Last week Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage. The law will go into effect on August 1, 2013. As you probably have surmised from my post last November on the vote to ban gay marriage and immortalize it in the Minnesota Constitution (which obviously did not pass), this decision makes me very happy. This momentous event has caused me to reflect on how important the issue of gay rights has been in my deconversion from Christianity, and ultimately from all religion.
To summarize, it has been very important.
I should start by setting the stage and let you know that I am not gay. Perhaps that shouldn’t be relevant, but I feel that it helps you to understand my perspective a little more fully. I do however have many gay family members and friends. I will not specify any further out of respect for their privacy except to say that many of these people have meant a lot to me throughout my entire life. I mention this not because I want you to let me off the hook for what I’m about to admit, but because it’s a pivotal fact in this story.
Hate the Sin; Love the Sinner and other Crap I Believed
It was during middle school that I began my journey into a very strong Christian faith. At some point along the way, I adopted a fairly common evangelical Christian mentality towards homosexuality which is to “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” At first, this seemed perfectly reasonable, loving, and in line with my understanding of what I believed the bible taught on the subject. I believed that god made man and woman, and that they (one man, one woman) should be together for the primary purpose of having children, and to create a perfect holy union within the trinity. I believed that within those boundaries were the only acceptable ways of expressing sexuality.
Prior to my path to devout Christian, my religious training was more general. I have discussed in other posts that my parents are believers, but not overtly dogmatic towards any denomination of Christianity. We attended a Lutheran Church, but frequently missed services, and I was a hit and miss Sunday school student. I cannot think of any discussions on the morality of homosexuality prior to my middle school years. And although I cannot remember the specific timeline, at some point I went from not having any memorable opinion about homosexuality, to believing it was a sinful lifestyle condemned by god.
In short, and to be clear, I now believe my religious understanding entirely shaped any opinion I later adopted regarding homosexuals and the immorality of homosexual behavior during the years of my faith.
I Think I Love Ya
At the same time, I still truly loved (in my mind) those in my life who were gay. But god’s message had put me into conflict with how I felt about my gay friends and family members. So to justify this belief, I likened homosexuality to alcoholism. I told myself it was the behavior — the physical acts of love — that offended god, not merely being gay. For, a recovering alcoholic can lead a healthy and moral life. It is only when they fall off the wagon that the downward spiral begins. And although at the time, I did not know any of the science surrounding the topic, I believed that a homosexual lifestyle was a choice, at least to some degree. Even if an inclination towards homosexuality is innate and inherited, it didn’t mean indulging in that behavior was ok. This too, I likened to alcoholism, and separated it from the idea of racial identity, and civil rights, where a person is born a certain way. We all had been given free will, I reasoned, and were empowered by god to push aside our base instincts and urges. We all have burdens to bear, and some were given the burden of being gay. This tactic worked for me for a long time. I had never felt hatred or anger towards gays. The emotion was closer to pity. I felt terrible that they had been afflicted by this demonic tendency and hunger for someone of the same gender. I prayed for them. I truly wanted them to find salvation in the house of god, and be able to live free from sinful behavior. I believed I was righteous, and I believed this was what god expected me to believe.
I look back on this way of thinking with extreme shame and humility. I now see clearly that I was wrong.
Over time, the thorny contradiction between god’s will and how I wanted to treat the people I loved poked at me. Some of the gay people I loved came out of the closet (none of those revelations were truly surprising frankly), and I began to feel conflicted between what I believed god wanted from me and what I felt was moral behavior towards a fellow human being who I loved and who loved others in return. I learned a little bit about the science of homosexuality as well, and came to the (true) conclusion that there is a strong biological component, and that even if the trait is not born in a person (which I believe it is), then it develops from an early enough age that it might as well be from birth. I began to question how a loving and just god could afflict his children (a fairly large total number of them at around 3% to 8%) in nearly every culture, yet condemn them for acting on their natural impulses. It would have been one thing if those impulses hurt others, but how is it hurting anyone if one person physically loves another person who consents to that love?
Why Does a Loving God Condemn Those Who Love and Are Loved in Return?
This single idea — that absent the word of god saying homosexuality is a sin, there is nothing else that makes it so – was a significant factor in my ultimate deconversion. After realizing the cruelty in god’s condemnation of such a victimless “sin”, in fact, of a behavior that actually promotes love towards other humans, I began to see other similar disconnects between the morality of Yahweh and the more evolved morality of modernity. I will not go into all of those here, but it’s not a small list.
After I made this leap in my own moral intuitions, it still took me some time to completely shed the baggage I had purchased during my religious obsession. For a while, I held onto the idea that civil unions would be a good alternative. That preserving tradition was a worthy goal. Or that keeping marriage between a man and a woman would prevent the slippery slope argument eventually leading to polygamy and goat marriage. I realized several years ago, even after I had begun to call myself an atheist, and truly believed that homosexuality was completely normal and moral, that even those arguments were deeply rooted in religion. They were reflexive beliefs more than well-thought out. It took more self-education in many areas of philosophy and science before I was able to articulate for myself a cogent world view that did not require a god for morality.
But it was this single issue that first revealed the Christian god (as I knew him) to be truly ancient, outdated, and immoral. It frustrates me today when I hear strains of “hate the sin, love the sinner” being expressed regarding this issue, even as I understand where it comes from. One reason I wanted to write this post is to explain that I do not believe most religious people who share that belief are haters or bigots, though they are often portrayed that way, even by other Christians. I think reality is more complicated than that. I do not doubt that many faithful Christians have grappled with the conflict I felt. It is a difficult choice to make between one’s all powerful god who controls your immortal soul’s destiny, and family and friends. Indoctrination is a powerful drug. Many who adopt an anti-homosexuality position tend to be regular people trying to live a good life, and trying to be a positive force in the world. Very few out there come even close to the level of vitriol spewed by the despicable Westboro Baptist Church. Regardless, of that, I do not fully give them (or my former self) a pass. If your god is forcing you to make a choice between him, and your treatment of other humans merely for behavior that has absolutely no impact on you or other sentient creatures whatsoever, I beg you to reconsider whether or not your god deserves that love and respect.
Photo Credit: http://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/5583029/il_fullxfull.175325241.jpg
But They’re Not True Christians…
Some Christians get around this by claiming that anyone condemning homosexuality or homosexuals is not a “True Christian.” To those who say I have misunderstood the bible’s teaching in this respect, I would say, that is free for you to believe, but I believed and still believe there is more than adequate justification within the pages of the bible to support a position that gay love is morally repugnant. The notion is immortalized in the word “sodomy.” That said, if you must choose between being a fundamentalist Christian who condemns homosexuality, and a believer who cherry picks the parts you support and throws out the parts that offend you, I would rather you are the latter. I applaud your decision to ignore morally despicable teachings in favor of love for your fellow man, but not all of your brethren have been fortunate enough to grow up with that liberty in their faith. That is one thing I love about being an atheist. Unlike when I was a believer, and I felt that I had to find the truth in the whole bible, I can now choose any part of any world philosophy I want, and throw out others I have no use for without having to call myself a “true” anything.
For me, it all comes down to what are the things that improve human well-being and what are the things that destroy it? That is where my line of morality and immorality is drawn, and where the difficult discussions of right and wrong begin. I have yet to hear any reasonable argument that puts homosexual behavior of consenting adults remotely close to the “destroy well-being” category of behaviors. How can mutual love ever destroy the happiness of those who are in love, or those who live amongst them? If you can articulate an argument without invoking god (directly or indirectly), I’d be curious to entertain it, but I’d be surprised if you can.
A Path Towards Moral Maturity
As I think back to my former self, I am saddened by her and for her. I am saddened that she ever felt like she had to choose between her friends and family and her god, and I am horrified at the thought that she might have made anyone feel like a sinner. I am glad that I was able to shed my religious veil of self-righteousness relatively early in my life, and before I had met as many people as I have now, or will as my life continues. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” has its place in the world. There are many situations in life where we can deplore a loved one’s behavior, but still love them as a person. Homosexuality should never be included in that category, because at its heart, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. It’s a natural behavior that hurts no one any more than heterosexual behavior does among consenting individuals. As a result, although it’s under the guise of reasonability, the mantra to condemn the behavior but love the individual falls flat. If you have ever judged someone for their homosexual behavior while purporting to love them, you should know you have probably hurt them deeply, because the only way they can ever gain your acceptance is by suppressing something within them that is perfectly normal and good. If you find condemnation to be a moral way of treating your fellow human beings, then I feel sad for you, as I did for myself. I can only hope you may one day reconsider.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
As a Christian apostate, I have gotten a taste of what it is like for gays and lesbians to come out of the closet. In fact, the atheist community has adopted many of the tactics used by the LGBT community, and it has begun to pay real dividends in society’s acceptance of us. They bravely paved the way, often under real threat of violence and harm. I am thankful for that. I feel a little bookend of solidarity with them in their fight to change hearts and minds. I know from personal experience, that we all are capable of changing our thoughts, even on such emotionally charged topics as homosexuality and religion. I’m inspired by their willingness to be themselves in the face of hateful speech (even if inspired by misguided good intentions), and ancient ideologies still looming large in our culture. The tide is turning, and I am confident that in fifty years, or so, people will wonder what all the fuss was about, both when it comes to gay marriage, and atheists walking among the masses. Maybe by then atheists will also be able to hold office and serve on juries in all fifty states. But it is because of the LGBT community in part that I speak out about atheism, and my personal experiences as a former Christian. It is why I celebrate the new law in Minnesota and the previous states. The times they are a changin’. Thank the stars!
Peace and love,
PersephoneK
